Updated: Nov 15, 2018
I am getting tired of having some illness in this poor, devoted body! Having had shingles for two months really took it out of me and there are still twitches, tingles, hyper-sensitivities and itching in my right shoulder, right chest and the back of my neck.
Now, I have a cold, mild, yet impactful and noticeable, nonetheless.
When I think about giving myself permission to rest because I have a cold I feel like crying. That is my indicator that I have landed on my real issue and that I need a day to rest. Of course, I feel sorry for myself. Of course, I have yet again, another illness. Of course, I am frustrated. Of Course, I worry that I have not yet released the belief pattern that “I must be ill in order to learn to care for my body and pull my awareness inward rather than aiming it outward”.
I have lots of judgment about that belief pattern! Oh yesserie! I would think that I had learned that lesson already, starting with tubal pregnancies 1, 2 & 3, a miscarriage in there, too, all requiring surgical procedures with long healing periods. Then having multiple sclerosis for 27 years… You bet I am pissed off about physical limitations – AGAIN!
(Dr. Nystrom would say “Stop kicking the puppy.”)
Even as I try to convince myself by praying “I accept the will of the Divine. I place myself in the hands of the Holy Spirit and await a miracle” I am balking at my present physical state. I know that “what I resist persists” so one option is accept myself, right here and now, as I am, and love myself unconditionally. Or not… Am I enjoying this struggle? How is this good for me?
So what if I take a day of rest? So what if I don’t produce some amazing result? The tomato harvest will wait another day. My fitness program can tolerate a day of rest. Why am I so hard on myself about this simple thing: When you are ill you rest until you are no longer ill. That’s what I would tell someone else, so why don’t I qualify for this gentle, accepting attitude? Have I got that much to prove? To whom? Why do I feel that time is short and I have to rush to get it all done? Especially with my readings and getting my work out into the world? Do I have a specific number of readings that I have to do in this lifetime to release some karmic debt? Or am I simply wanting to exercise my gift in the broadest, most helpful way? Both?
Is this how the “game” is structured? I have lots of bodily problems but I am given this wonderful gift. I must use my bodily problems to enhance my gift. I then feel it is urgent that I use my gift to help as many others as I can in an illness shortened time span.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry?!?! I think God/Goddess is laughing. I can see God/Goddess slapping her thigh. I must be onto something here.
Speaking of which, in the last 5 years I have done 741 readings. Maybe when I have done 2000 readings I will consider myself “A Really Good Reader” and worthy of a day of rest, without being ill.
And what is the karma that I am completing?
Part of me is gleeful at discovering these marvelous questions that would be excellent to ask when I am in my Akashic Records. And are these questions useful in the Chronic Wellness Process?
I pause to remind myself, it is only a cold – NOT CANCER!
How can I release the belief pattern that “I must be ill in order to learn to care for my body and pull my consciousness inward rather than have my awareness aimed outward?
How can I break the habit of “kicking the puppy”?
Why am I resisting the need to have a day of rest?
How is my resistance to resting good for me?
Why do I feel I have to produce some amazing result every day?
How can I release this requirement?
Why do I feel that I don’t I qualify for a gentle, patient and accepting attitude?
Why do I feel that I’ve got to prove something through my productivity? To whom?
Why do I feel that time is short and I have to rush to get it all done?
Why do I feel that time is short, especially with my readings and getting my work out into the world?
Do I have a specific number of readings that I have to do in this lifetime to release some karmic debt?
What is the number?
What is the karmic debt that I seek to complete?
How can I exercise my gift in the broadest, most helpful way?